Geoff and I had gone to high school together and reconnected back in 2015. I had 4 children and he had 2 surviving children. We made the decision pretty early on that 6 children were enough for us but we did say that if we had a surprise neither one of us would be disappointed. We had two “scares” and speaking about it now we were both really disappointed when the pregnancy tests were negative. In the summer of 2019 we got married. It was one of the best days of my life. But, that’s when the biological clock started ticking… loudly. I really wanted a baby with my husband, we would be giving up on our child-free weekends, our city breaks, weekends away but it would be worth it. A baby that was part him and part me. My husband was the one to bring it up and when he did, I was over the moon. We were going to do this! I stopped drinking straight away, downloaded ovulation apps, read up on whatever I could do and within 2 months I was pregnant. We found out in a Tesco car park, we’d been away visiting Ilfracombe and had been to see the Damian Hirst statue Verity. We couldn’t wait until we got back home so pulled into a Tesco and bought the test. We were both thrilled when the test showed that we were 2-3 weeks pregnant. We sat in the car and cried tears of disbelief and happiness. We were having a baby!

A few weeks after that I started bleeding. I was devastated. We went to see our GP but as I was only 5 weeks she didn’t think anything would show up on the scan and asked me to return the following week. That week I stayed home from work, I bled on and off for the week. We returned to the GP and she rang the EPAU and booked an appointment to have a scan. 

We went to the EPAU and a scan showed that everything was ok, a nice strong heartbeat. Again I cried tears, but this time of happiness. We were thrilled to be able to take a scan picture of our baby home with us. They couldn’t tell me why I had bleeding but said it can happen in early pregnancy. It was at this point we decided to tell our parents and a few close friends of ours that we were expecting a baby.  We figured that had something gone wrong then we would have needed their support. 

The next few weeks went along well, the bleeding tapered off, I had the usual pregnancy symptoms of nausea, tiredness, aching boobs etc. And although exhausted I was thrilled with my lot. Then suddenly on 21st December without warning I started bleeding again. I stood up and a huge clot (about the size of a plum) fell from me. I started shaking and crying. My husband rang Out Of Hours and they advised us to ring an ambulance. The ambulance service told us to go to A&E. At this point I wasn’t having any pain, just bleeding like a heavy period. We arrived at A&E and were seen more or less straight away. The nurse told us that there wasn’t a lot they could do as it was the weekend and they didn’t have a scanner in A&E but she rang the EPAU and they booked me in for a scan on the Friday. Again she apologised and explained that the wait was because of the Christmas period. We went home numb, not knowing what to do. I spent most of that day in bed. On Sunday I started having pains and this continued for most of that day and the next. They were like contractions, coming and going, gradually intensifying. By the Monday evening my husband kept asking if I needed an ambulance. I didn’t want to spend Christmas in hospital so we made a deal that if I was still suffering the next day we would ring the hospital. I remember feeling really hot and stripped to my underwear and opened the window even though it was December. At around 10pm that night, after the pain had stopped I felt what can only describe as a volcanic gushing of blood. And it didn’t stop. I knew I was miscarrying our baby. 

Some of what I’m about to describe came from Geoff’s recollection as I was so out of it. I told Geoff that now was time for the ambulance. He rang 999 and we were told that an ambulance was on its way. I live 5 minutes from the hospital but the blood was literally gurgling out of me at that time. I started feeling light headed and very scared. My husband rang the ambulance service back but they had no idea how long the ambulance would be. My husband said that my hands were icy cold and I began drifting in and out of conciseness. I really thought I was going to die. My husband decided that enough was enough and decided that he was going to take me to the hospital. He ran next door to get the help of a neighbour. When I tried to stand I felt like I was going to collapse. My husband carried me to the car, leaving huge pools of blood everywhere. We arrived at A&E, they tried to take my blood pressure which was so low they were struggling to get a reading.  When they did manage to get a reading (which I can’t remember) it was 26/13 and we were immediately rushed to resus. My blood pressure was dangerously low. They started treatment. I remembered that I was freezing but I was beginning to feel better, the bleeding had slowed down and my blood pressure wasn’t as dangerously low as when I had arrived. The gynaecologist consultant came to examine me and she agreed that I’d probably had a miscarriage and there was nothing left in my cervix. I was allowed to go home some hours later after convincing the doctor that my blood pressure was always a bit low and with the understanding that I attended EPAU on the Friday as planned. We returned home in the early hours of Christmas eve morning. Luckily our children were staying with their other parents. My eldest son, had stripped our bed and tried to clean the mess up as best he could but it was awful walking into that.  There were trails of blood everywhere.

Over the next few days we tried to get on with things, it was Christmas after all. I was in a lot of pain both physically and mentally but tried to put a brave face on. Christmas Day, I spent most of the day curled up on my mum’s sofa dosed up on codeine. My younger children and siblings assumed that I had a bad back which is not uncommon for me. 

Friday morning arrived and we dropped the children to their other parents and arrived at the EPAU for our appointment. I thought that I would go in, have a scan and be told that I had miscarried and be allowed to go home to grieve. I was scanned externally and then internally and was gently told that my baby had stopped growing but that the sac and baby were still in the cervix. I was shocked, I had thought I had passed everything on the 23^rdDecember, this explains the horrendous pain I had been in, my uterus had been contracting to try and pass the baby. I was led into a side room filled with Christmas decorations and was told the consultant would be along shortly. It was the longest time although in reality about 45 minutes. 

I was given 4 options:

1. wait and see 
2. manual extraction 
3. medical management 
4. surgical management

 I struggled to make a decision, It all felt too much.  I spoke with the consultant, all options could mean that I could suffer an enormous bleed again and that scared me. We decided to go for the manual extraction as that could be done that day and if anything untoward happened I was in the right place. I was moved to another room where I was asked to undress my lower half. I started to undress but felt so overwhelmed by the whole thing that I started shaking and crying. I didn’t know if I could do it. My husband was really good and calmly talked me through the options and the pros and cons of them all. I decided to go for it, I didn’t want to wait. The consultant inserted a speculum similar to those used when having a smear test. I tried to block out what was happening internally reciting flavours of soup, I don’t know why but it was something to focus on. I felt my amniotic sack burst and that’s when it hit me, that the baby was still there and I was about to give birth to it. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget the feeling of the warm water as it hit my feet and the reality of what was actually happening. When it was done, I was bleeding again quite heavily. I was told I was being transferred to a room to see if the bleeding would stop. Before moving I was handed a form to fill out asking what I wanted done with my baby’s body. Again I felt so overwhelmed. I asked if I could take the form and read through it properly but I was told that they needed the form back there and then. I did however notice an option to think about it for up to 6 weeks so that’s what I decided to do. 

I was transferred to a side room where there were some tablets waiting for me. I was told that they should help any retained tissue come away as that’s why I might still be bleeding. I took the tablets and laid back and waited. A doctor came to insert a cannula to give me fluids and as he finished I felt very unwell and the next thing I knew my husband who had been holding my hand had been replaced with the doctor. He was calling my name and had told me that I had passed out. My blood pressure had dropped quite low again. My husband later told me that I had started fitting. Not long after I was told that I’d have to have an operation to clear everything out as I was still bleeding quite heavily. They told me that it would be that evening or the next morning as they had to have the anaesthetic and the surgeon available at the same time. I asked if my husband could stay with me, I was so sacred but luckily I was told that he could. We spent a sleepless night in the side room, neither of us having eaten since about 1 o’clock that afternoon. Although I wasn’t allowed to eat as they didn’t know when I would be going for surgery they did offer my husband some food but he was too polite to accept until I overruled him. 

The next morning I was told I was going for surgery. My husband decided that he would go home during that time to get some clothes for us and some chargers etc. He was told I’d be gone for about 3 hours. I was wheeled down by a NA and was met by my surgeon who told me that the anaesthetist had been called to an emergency in A&E. She went back to the ward whilst the NA and I sat and waited. Luckily it wasn’t long before the anaesthetic and my surgeon were back and I was ready to go in. I woke up not long after. I wasn’t in any physical pain and the bleeding had slowed down a lot. I was told that everything had gone ok. My husband arrived a little while later. We spent a few hours where I was made to eat, drink and they made sure I passed urine too. My blood pressure was checked and was improving. A few hours later I was discharged and left with a prescription for iron tablets. I was told to do a pregnancy test in 3 weeks to make sure that everything had cleared. 

We decided to name our baby.  We don’t know if the baby was a boy or a girl so we decided to name our baby Morgan. It felt right to us that Morgan had a name. I did the pregnancy test 3 weeks after losing Morgan and it was showing that I was 1-2 weeks pregnant. I wondered if I was actually pregnant again or whether I still had any remaining tissue. I rang the EPU on the Friday and they booked me in for a scan on the Monday. On the Monday the pregnancy test that they’d done in the hospital came back negative. I had another internal scan but was assured that everything looked ok.

A few weeks later we returned to the EPAU to fill out the form to decide what we want to do with our baby. We decided to have a private cremation. The crematorium picked up Morgan from the hospital and provided the whole service free of charge. The officiant also provided his services free of charge. I am humbled that services such as these went out of their way to provide us this at no cost and with such empathy. We had Morgan cremated in late January with our parents, siblings and my eldest daughter by our sides. It was a beautifully sad service. One of the hardest things for me was laying a rose on the little coffin. The rose was longer than the coffin. 

I have since found out that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, but even so, what has surprised me was how many people have spoken to me about their miscarriage since I have spoken out about mine. People, that for whatever reasons hadn’t been able to tell me before. I think there is a certain stigma around miscarriage, most people won’t tell anyone until 12 weeks, but why not? Because something may go wrong? But surely that’s the time that we need people, we need the support of people around us. Even though miscarriage is common, it doesn’t make it any less heart breaking.  

Following this traumatic event I struggled to find somebody to help counsel me through these difficult times. Through this whole ordeal I have struggled with the lack of support and the lack of anything tangible. Because I was before 20 weeks we don’t have a birth or death certificate, nothing to say baby Morgan ever existed. I do have a copy of the scan I had when I was 5 weeks pregnant but feel there needs to be more that’s done to recognise that no matter what age a foetus, embryo, baby or child, a loss is still a loss. I think when people miscarry, society often thinks that it is trivial but I have found it so hard. I asked in the hospital if they had any birth certificates or certificates of life as I had seen this mentioned on a website but they didn’t have any. 

After this ordeal my husband and I decided to start a not-for-profit group as a way of helping others who had been in our position and as legacy to Morgan we decided to name the group Morgan’s Wings. We want to help raise awareness of miscarriage as well as providing hygiene care packages, certificates of life, memory boxes and support for any person who has been affected by miscarriage. We are planning to hold a support group to help support others. We are always in the process of raising funds to help fund the care packages, certificates of life and memory boxes. We have done a March for Morgan, as well as having ongoing raffles and selling gifts to help raise much needed funds, these are all advertised on our facebook page //www.facebook.com/MorgansWings, Instagram //www.instagram.com/morgans_wingsand twitter //twitter.com/morgans_wings. If you want to help us support parents going through miscarriage you can donate directly to Morgan’s Wings by visiting our website //morgans-wings.co.uk/. We are grateful for any amount donated. 

We also have a YouTube channel, //www.youtube.com/channel/UC0pTAHkNzob6fG9Q0N5wGUg?view_as=subscriberwhere I have spoken out about my story.  We will be posting videos on a monthly basis which will include stories from other mums and dads, self-esteem and resilience videos to name but a few. 

We have also got a ‘wish list’ on amazon where people can buy things specifically for us to put into the care packages and memory boxes. //www.amazon.co.uk/hz/wishlist/ls/3C3W0H3LDELHN?ref_=wl_share